Balls & Balloons

During Elli's class at school on Wednesday morning, there is a parent group available that meets in the same building. When I first started bringing Elli to the class, I truthfully didn't enjoy parent group very much. It seemed as if I was in a very different place than most of the parents there...in many ways, but particularly in my concerns for my child. Most of the other children (at least of the parents I met) simply had speech delays, and once those delays were overcome, they would never need special ed services again. None of the other children had significant disabilities or major conditions that would impact their lives going forward, so it felt as if I was alone there.

Over time, however, the parent group has grown on me, partially because the parent base has changed somewhat, partially because I've gotten to know a few of the parents, partially because there are free donuts each week, and partially because I've learned a number of interesting things at the parent group sessions. :-) Some weeks, we have speakers on all kinds of topics...sleep, potty training, feeding, nutrition, discipline, etc. Some weeks we do make-it-take-its, where we make something we can bring home to help work with our kids on speech, or fine motor activities, or gross motor activities. We've been known to watch Supernanny videos and videos about abused children, talk about stress and grief, learn about personality types, learn different interesting activities you can do with your kids at home, etc.

My favorite session (which we've done twice now) was done again last week. I want to tell you about it, because it hit home to me both years that we've done this session.

The parents all stood in a circle in the room. We were suppose to represent our family. One person was given a tennis ball, and then that person chose someone to throw the ball to. Person 2 chose another person to throw the ball to. Person 3 chose another person to throw the ball to...etc., until the ball arrived back at Person 1. We then had to memorize that pattern.

Person 1 then had to name a responsibility that they had to perform daily (or at least on a regular basis). The ball in their hand represented that responsibility - for instance, feeding our family. We then threw the ball around the circle (following the pattern we had established). We all agreed that keeping just that one ball in the air was fairly simple!

Then Person 2 was given a ball and had to name a responsibility that they had to perform daily. The ball in their hand represented that responsibility, such as disciplining our children. We then threw both balls around the circle. It was a little harder than with 1 ball, but we still did fairly well keeping them both in the air.

We continued adding balls to the circle until there was one ball per person. Although it became increasingly difficult to keep all those balls in the air with each one added, we found that, once we had our system down and got into a routine, we did a pretty good job! It took a lot more concentration, and we found that we had to be careful to wait until the person was looking to throw the ball (although all agreed that wasn't very lifelike - too often the balls get thrown at us when we least expect it in real life!), but we could generally keep all the balls in the air without too much stress.

THEN....

just when we had it figured out...

a BALLOON was added to the circle. This balloon represented our special needs child, and all that goes along with having a child with special needs. We were supposed to keep that balloon in the air, tossing it around the circle, as well as keep all the balls in the air.

We learned some very interesting things from this exercise.

1) Once the balloon was introduced, the balls that we kept in the air before with no problem started dropping EVERYWHERE! Sometimes they got backed up at one person, sometimes they rolled past us or flew past us, sometimes we tried to catch them but dropped them...but regardless, they definitely were not staying in the air. :-) We thought this was an accurate assessment - it's not always possible to keep all the same balls in the air once your special needs child is introduced into your life! And realistically, we need to be OK with that.

2) Nobody was willing to let the balloon drop. No matter what else happened, that balloon was staying in the air! One mom even hit the ground trying to keep the balloon from falling. That's typical, I think, of what we've gone through recently with the feeding clinic - my house may be trashed, the lawn's a foot high, the kitchen's a disaster, the pool's not opened yet, I haven't paid any bills because I haven't had time, the laundry's been ignored to the point where we have no clean clothes left, no emails have been returned, friends and family have been ignored, the blog is rarely touched...but you better believe Elli's had the 6 meals every day that she needs to have per the feeding clinic, and you better believe it's all the foods they say she needs to have.

3) One mom, when the balloon was first introduced, said, "What are we supposed to do with this?" I think any parent to a special needs child recognizes that feeling - the realization when your child is first diagnosed of "How do I handle this diagnosis? How do I raise a child with this disability? How do I get my child the help he/she needs?"

4) We found that it was easier to keep the balloon in the air if we moved closer together. But one mom struggled with that and actually took a step back - she needed more space to cope with the balloon. That made us realize that we each respond a little differently to the balloons in our life.

5) We also discussed the fact that balloons can be more than just a special needs child. Perhaps your balloon is the illness of yourself, a spouse or a parent. Maybe it's marriage troubles, a rebellious teenager, a spouse that has to travel for work or works so much that you feel like a single parent. Perhaps you're balloon is that you are a single parent, either due to divorce or being widowed. Maybe your balloon is emotional troubles - your own or someone else's. Regardless, most of us, at one time in life or another, will have a balloon...or two...or three. Sometimes that balloon is somewhat permanent...sometimes it is temporary. Regardless, it makes it a whole lot harder to keep the balls in the air.

I think this hit home to me again this year because I recently have felt like I have multiple balloons in addition to the balls that all of us have in the air. Some days, I am OK with this, and I feel like, with God's help, I can handle keeping the balloons in the air and at least the basically necessary balls. Other days, I feel completely overwhelmed by the demands of the balloons. Other days, I feel guilty because I can't keep more than just the basic balls in the air.

As I told Doug recently...I know (without, I hope, sounding or being arrogant) that I am a good mom to Elli. Maybe even a great mom. But I often feel as if, in trying to keep that balloon in the air, I have become a lousy wife, homemaker, friend, family member, church member, Christian, and all-around human being. So I am struggling with finding that balance - trying to figure out how to be both a good mom to Elli and perhaps at least manage to keep a few of the other balls in the air too.

Unlike so many people I've talked to, I've been greatly blessed by our support system. Our family and friends have been very gracious about understanding that we have these balloons in our life. We don't receive the same guilt trips from family members that other people receive, I don't dread family get togethers because of the comments that others will make (unlike many friends I've talked to), I don't feel that others are frustrated with me for the lack of involvement or response to them. I am very blessed by that fact!

However, I guess I write this post for three reasons.

1) If you have a balloon in your life right now, whatever it may be, extend yourself more grace than I too often extend to myself. It's OK to let some balls drop, or perhaps even put those balls aside for awhile in order to keep the necessary balls and balloons in the air.

2) If you have been one of the many balls I've dropped lately, I sincerely apologize. Please know that it's not intentional, nor is it indicative that you are no longer important to me. It's just that I can't do it all, and I'm learning that I have to be OK with that. I struggle with this lesson daily, and hope that someday I will learn to accept which balls are required and which ones are not.

3) When someone else doesn't respond to you in a timely manner, or perhaps is a little short with you, or perhaps doesn't take the initiative to get together with you, etc., instead of becoming frustrated with them, or giving them a guilt trip, or wondering what you did to offend them, just remember that they may just be dealing with a balloon. And if so, please extend to them the some grace. :-)